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The Addiction Podcast - Point of No Return

Apr 21, 2022

Well obviously my name is Josh. Basically in a nutshell as it were I was a careered musician and was very successful in many capacities. I once owned a recording studio with Gordon Raphael (producer of the strokes & Regina Spektor) after getting my own record deal I worked on my debut album with Anthony Braun Perry and Scott Montoya (both from the band the growlers) and was well on my way. I have met and worked with many successful musicians and others in the entertainment business for years, and had built up quite a catalogue of gear and equipment along with a nice shiny resume. I had a house a supportive girlfriend who actually quit her job to work with me on my career full time because she believed in mine that much. I had custody of my autistic and diabetic son from a previous relationship. Life was good then I gave it all away for one small yet very big thing. That thing was so elusive and so deceitful. It was so romantic looking and yet so insidious. That thing was heroin. I’ve dabbled in drugs and alcohol for a long time and they sunk their teeth into my life long ago but I was always able to go dry for a while so I thought I had it under control. Through everything I’ve lost and all the problems I’ve gained it all changed October 1st, 2021. You see after a few jail stints and a prison sentence I basically just resigned myself to drugs and thought ok music is over so I’ll become a full-fledged criminal. But this last year I got in trouble once again with the law and to my surprise instead of sending me back to prison they gave me probation and when I screwed that up I thought surely they’ll send me back now but they didn’t; they gave me a corrections based treatment program. When I left there I relapsed once again while living with my brother and ended up getting into a huge fight with him about who was the better addict. My brother had his own demons but in his mind he was ok because he was still living in his own place with a job and a car. So he kicked me out after the fight and that was the last I ever spoke to him. I feel very fortunate indeed but it came with a price and with consequences. Sadly my brother passed away from drugs a few months ago as did my ex girlfriend so those things and a few other things blessed me with the gift of desperation. But I’ll tell you, through my brother’s death I was able to be reborn. On September 31st, 2021 I was parked in a car I had borrowed from a friend while he was doing some time in jail and I tried to shoot myself in the head not long after I found out about my brother. However, before I could get the gun against my temple it randomly went off right before I got it in the place I wanted. So I had just done a bunch of heroin and from the adrenaline shock and the last bit of drugs; I fell asleep and woke up to cops knocking on the window of the car I was in. They found me with a gun, drugs and all sorts of other illegal things. They should have taken me back to jail then prison, as I’m already on probation. They were about to, when all of a sudden the police officer asked me what I was doing with the gun and I told him. So he doesn’t say much and we get in the car and I assume I’m going back to jail to finish my sentence and we pull up to this building I’ve never seen and I say where are we? He says I’m bringing you here to detox because I don’t think you need jail or prison again. You have quite a rap sheet and it won’t fix you to go back. I think you need help, so do yourself a favor and get it. That was my higher power working in my life and I felt it for the first time in a long time. That was October 1st, 2021 and I’ve been sober ever since. I go to meetings; reach out to people; and help wherever I can; and I work a 12 step program.  I honestly wish I would have started a long time ago because it’s the best thing I’ve ever done aside from having my son. So yeah! My recovery comes first as does my program. I surrendered myself to a higher power and realized my life was unmanageable and that I desperately needed and wanted a change. Now I’m learning to love myself again and I started some projects but I’m focusing on helping other bands again but I also help other addicts. My story could be so much longer but this is as I said in a nutshell!